


Sibling Rivalries

by storieswelove



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Alexis really loves her brother ok?, Bridget Jones references which are important to me but they’re not like too in your face, F/M, Foreshadowing to Patrick too, M/M, but it does technically take place on Christmas, but the parallels are OBVIOUS upon rewatch, mentions of Sebastien but no actual sightings of the asshole himself, this is a lil broody and heavy at some points so you've been warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:08:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21947068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storieswelove/pseuds/storieswelove
Summary: “David, I swear to god, the next date of yours I meet, I’m going to make out with them in front of you . I know the guys you date, it won’t be that hard. They usually like me better anyway.” With one last glare at her brother, she grabbed her Prada suitcase and stormed out.***Pre-Schitt's Creek. The Disaster Siblings get competitive. That is, until David needs Alexis to show up more than he needs her to show off.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 47





	Sibling Rivalries

**Author's Note:**

  * For [helvetica_upstart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/helvetica_upstart/gifts).



> What was originally supposed to be a much lighter, fun fic evolved into this remarkably broody fic because [helvetica_upstart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/helvetica_upstart/pseuds/helvetica_upstart) is a genius and waxed poetic to me about Alexis showing up for David before Schitt's Creek in ways that maybe went unnoticed because it wasn't want he thought he needed. I latched onto that, because I now believe it to be true with my entire heart. Thanks, friend, for such an insightful commentary.

October, 2013

“Oh my god, David, are you _fucking_ kidding me? Again?!”

Alexis stood in the doorway of the east wing study, gaping at her brother’s back as he straddled one of her exes on the couch, both his hands up David’s shirt. 

“Jesus Christ, Alexis, don’t you know how to knock?!” said David, stumbling as he flipped off the guy, whose name she was pretty sure was Oliver. Or was it Tom? No, no, definitely Oliver. 

“Umm, you’re talking about _my_ manners?! While you’re _on top of_ my ex?!” Alexis heard her voice growing progressively louder as she pointed an accusing finger at her brother. 

“You dated for like _a week_ six years ago! Can you imagine if every guy you dated was off limits?!” 

“Oh my god, what does—” 

“What are you even doing here?” he asked, waving his outstretched palms in circles at her. “Aren’t you supposed to be on a jet to Bali for some blind date?” 

“I was _about_ to leave but had to grab my bag!” And then she realized, the absolute dick — “Oh my god, _gross_ , David, were you just waiting around all night like a creeper until I _left?”_

Unnoticed by either of them, probably-Oliver-and-not-Tom finished buttoning his shirt and slipped on his blazer. 

“I’m just gonna…” he said, motioning at the door. He kept his eyes trained on the doorway, never making eye contact with Alexis. Neither sibling paid him any attention, too engrossed in the latest slight. 

“Ugh!” Alexis let out a well practiced shriek, loud enough to alert the entire house to her displeasure. “David, this is disgusting! First Jared Leto —”

“ _Jared Leto_ ?!” David’s voice pitched up an octave, like it always did when he tried to deflect from his own screw up.”Alexis, do you _really_ want to start? Because how about the rugby player at Elton’s last year, or Mark, or the half a dozen —”

“—okay, but we agreed to stop!” They had, Alexis remembered. She was sure. Some holiday, there was a lot of wine, and one of them did something to the other one’s...someone? She’s at least sure she remembers them promising something. 

“Um, no. What actually happened was when I caught you last Christmas _with my date_ , you said ‘oops, sorry, David, it won’t happen again!’” He was using the high-pitched nasally voice she hated, the one he reserved for mocking her. “Which—”

“Exactly, David! So why are you —”

“—which is what you’ve said _literally every other time_.” David punctuated the end of the sentence with a tilt of his head on each word for emphasis, and Alexis wished she had something to throw at his face.

“David, I swear to god, the next date of yours I meet, I’m going to make out with them _in front of you_. I know the guys you date, it won’t be that hard. They usually like me better anyway.” With one last glare at her brother, she grabbed her Prada suitcase and stormed out. 

“Okay, warmest regards to you!” he called back after her. 

What a dick. 

Christmas, 2013

**Demon Sister** : Just saw your latest insta. Johns cute :) tell him I can’t wait to meet him at the Christmas party ;) 

**David** : k alexis whatever you say 

“Heeyyyy, David...” Alexis’s voice was slowed to a drawl as she sidled up to her brother, faux innocence plastered across her face. “Where’s John?” 

“Oh, hey, Alexis. Sorry, didn’t you hear? John and I broke up.” David’s mouth turned in a mocking frown with an exaggerated pout of his lower lip. “But here, let me introduce you to my date.” David made a show of scanning the room, eyes landing on the nearby bar. He motioned Alexis to follow him. He stopped behind the cluster of people, and wrapped his arm around a tall, leggy blonde woman in a bright red dress, who turned to smile at David. He leaned in and kissed her, smile victorious as he pulled back and looked at his sister. 

“Megan,” he said, his voice pitching up, almost shrill. “This is my sister Alexis. Alexis, this is Megan.” 

Alexis’s eyes had narrowed to slits; she looked murderous. 

“Did you bring Rob? Mom showed me a picture, he’s _really_ cute,” David said, doing a poor job of stifling a laugh. “I’d love to meet him. I bet we’d get along _really_ well.” 

“Fuck you, David.” She stalked away. 

Megan looked at David, her eyebrows furrowed in a question.

“Oh, she just gets a little sensitive around the holidays. She has terrible luck dating.”

July, 2014

“Kids, it’s so good to see you both!”

“Happy birthday, Dad!” said Alexis excitedly, kissing her dad on the cheek. It was Johnny’s 60th birthday, and the Roses were going all-out.

“Hey, Dad, good to see you” 

“Son, oh, I’m so glad you came! Did you bring Cameron with you?”

David’s smile was uncharacteristically toothy as he turned to look at his sister to answer. 

“I did!” he said brightly. “We got held up and had to change when we got here, but it shouldn’t be too long now.”

Alexis smiled knowingly at her brother. 

“Cameron, huh?” she whispered as Johnny turned to say hi to a guest. She waggled her eyebrows at her brother. “I can’t wait to meet him. I’m just gonna go fix my lipstick, make sure my lips look all soft and inviting,” she said with a fluttery shake of her head. “You know, just in case.” 

“Ew, that’s _disgusting._ Plus, isn’t Stavros here with you? _”_

“Byeee, David, see you soon!”

Alexis lost track of her brother for the next hour as she made the rounds with her shipping-heir-boyfriend-du-jour. Instead, David found her, walking up with a dark haired woman wearing a sleeveless red dress. 

“Hey, Alexis. Enjoying the party?”

“David! Where’s Cameron?” she asked, looking around the room for an unfamiliar man.

“Oh, silly me! I forgot you hadn’t met. Cameron, this is my sister, Alexis!”

Alexis’s jaw dropped involuntarily. 

“Alexis, it’s good to meet you,” said the woman.

“Yep, mhmmmm,” said Alexis with a strained look on her face as she kissed the other woman’s cheek. 

“Sorry, Cameron, my sister isn’t feeling too well. She got some really disappointing news earlier, poor thing. But look at her,” said David, clapping Alexis on the shoulder. “Putting on a brave face for the party. Well, we should go! Better luck next time, Alexis!” 

She grabbed David’s wrist as he turned to leave, Cameron already two steps ahead. 

“I’m going to murder you in your sleep,” she hissed in his ear. 

“Mhm, bye!” he said with a wave and was off. 

**Demon sister** : don’t worry david. i know you can’t keep this up forever. It’s so hard for you to get dates! :( you’ll run out of girls soon. 

**David** : 🖕🏼

Christmas, 2014

**Demon Sister** : Merry almost Christmas! can’t wait to meet Sebastien!!! Heard he’s really open ;)

 **Demon Sister** : David where are you?

 **Demon Sister** : showing up late hoping I’ve left already isn’t going to work 

**Demon Sister** : ???????

“Mom, where’s David?”

It was Christmas Eve, and David was already two hours late for their parents annual party. 

“He’s abandoned me, Alexis! What will the guest think without our holiday medley? They’ll be talking about the disappointment for _years_!”

“Okay, but _where_ is he?”

“Oh, I have no idea! He called with some selfish excuse, as always. Something about some gallery exhibit or a boyfriend? I don’t know!” Moira shrieked. 

Eyebrows knitted together, Alexis walked off to find Harry. They were supposed to fly out in an hour back to London to make it in time for Christmas lunch at Kensington. 

“ _How embarrassing. No wonder he hasn’t shown his face here tonight_.” 

Alexis turned her head and saw a gaggle of people her age she vaguely recognized from years of Rose family parties, all huddled around someone’s iPhone. 

“What’s embarrassing?” she said. 

“Oh, nothing,” said the man holding the phone, turning it over in his hand, face flushing. 

Alexis’s eyes narrowed. 

“Just some guy we know, got caught with his pants around his legs,” said a small woman in the group, chuckling nastily. 

“Give me that,” Alexis snapped, snatching the phone from the man’s hands. It was still unlocked.

“Fuck,” she whispered under her breath, scrolling down the page of black and white photos. 

She turned on her heel, about to race away. 

“Hey, give me my phone back.” 

She looked back over her shoulder, eyes cold as ice. 

“Mmm, no, it’s rude as fuck to mock your hosts behind their back. You can all get the hell out of my house.” 

None of them moved. “Now!” she screeched, and the group scattered, mumbling under their breath but headed toward the door. 

Alexis found Harry and told him she was sorry she couldn’t make it for Christmas, but something had come up. She went and found her parents. 

“Dad, is the jet here? I need it.”

* * *

David heard the pounding on his front door but couldn’t be bothered to move. Whoever it was, reporters, “friends” come to gloat, he didn’t give a shit. He curled tighter into a ball on his couch and stared out the dark window. 

He’d known Sebastien was an ass, but had let himself be swept up by him anyway. He’d lured him in with words like “beautiful” and “masterpiece,” manipulating David’s need for praise, his need to feel wanted and seen and worthy. It was always his downfall, selfish people with bad intentions who could read David like a book, knowing exactly what combination of words they needed to make him fall apart and get what they wanted -- money, connections, photographs -- before they disappeared from his life. But he got what he deserved, didn’t he? He was selfish, too, clinging to the hollow words and empty touches, using them to fuel his unending desire for affection — 

The knocking finally stopped. _Thank god._ He saw his phone light up. 

**Demon Sister** : David I know your in there. Open the door. 

**Demon Sister** : David 

What the fuck was Alexis doing here? He pressed the lock button and the screen went dark. 

The pounding on the door started again. Groaning, he stood up and unlocked his door, letting it swing open on its own. 

“It’s y-o-u-apostrophe-r-e,” he said flatly. 

“What?”

“It’s you are, not y-o-u-r.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said, shaking her head and pushing past him into the apartment. 

“What do you want, Alexis? Come to gloat? I’m sure this is more than you hoped for when you said you wanted revenge for my making out with Oliver.”

“Ew, no, David. I don’t care about that. You weren’t at the party and I thought you were abandoning me for some bullshit reason, but then I saw the photos.” She reached out and grabbed his hand. He didn’t have the energy to pull away. She stared at him for a long time, and when she spoke again, her voice had softened. 

“What happened?”

“What happened?” David laughed bitterly. “The same thing that always happens. I trusted another person and got my ass handed to me.”

Alexis sighed. 

“Okay, David, this gross, greasy-hair-and-three-day-old clothes thing isn’t working. Go take a shower.”

“No,” he said petulantly, dropping himself onto the couch. 

“Yes, David,” she said, grabbing his arm and pulling on him till he groaned and stood up. 

He dragged himself to the bathroom, but Alexis didn’t relax until she heard running water. She poured herself a glass of wine and looked through David’s cabinets until she found what she was looking for. Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, she plopped down on the couch and idly scrolled through Instagram while she waited. 

Eventually, David trudged out of his bedroom in a black hoodie and sweatpants, hair still dripping and barefoot. He threw himself back on the couch. 

“Happy?”

“No, but I’m glad you showered. Here, take this,” said Alexis, handing him a small white pill and the water bottle, cap already unscrewed. 

David threw back the pill and chugged half the bottle in one go. 

“What was it?” he asked, not actually caring. She could have handed him arsenic and he probably would have taken it. 

“A sleeping pill. Go get in bed. We’ll talk in the morning.” 

Alexis waited thirty minutes before going to check on him. She found him stretched out on the bed, snoring. David’s insomnia was always at its worst when he was upset, spending his nights staring at the ceiling, spiraling further and further into self-loathing. He probably hadn’t slept in two days. Whatever they needed to talk about could wait. She bent down and kissed his forehead, and went back out to make up the couch. 

* * *

Alexis woke up to the sound of David shuffling around in the kitchen. She smelled coffee—a good sign. 

She sat up as he brought her a mug and took a seat next to her, far enough away that she couldn’t touch him. 

“Do you wanna talk about it now?”

“No.”

“Okay well. I have to leave in a few hours, so you might want to reconsider.”

David let out a deep sigh. 

“I let him take the photos. You know what he’s like, he’s always sweet talking people into letting him photograph them naked. I think it was after we got really high here one night? We got into a fight over them a few weeks ago, and he told me that I didn’t _understand_ , that I’d come around and realize he was doing what was best. I caved, but when I saw the photos a couple days ago I felt, like, physically ill. I called him and he told me I was being dramatic, that I didn’t understand his work, that I was selfish.”

He was crying now, and Alexis’s heart hurt almost too much to handle. 

“Okay, David, this isn’t that big of a deal,” she said, fingers splayed and palms outstretched, punctuating her speech. “Remember? My nudes are all over the internet too. Everyone forgets about it in like five minutes.” 

David looked at her for the first time since he sat down. His face is flat.

“Alexis, I’m high, bruised and tied up. I don’t think this is the same situation.” 

“Ugh, David, he _sucks._ ”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was quieter now. 

“I know.” The silence between them was long, and heavy, and when David spoke again his voice was quiet. “You know the worst part? I didn’t even break up with him over the photos." Alexis gasps a little before pressing two fingers against her mouth. David glares at her a little, but keeps talking. "It took him cheating on me after _promising_ he was done before I actually called it off. I’m fucking pathetic.”

“Hey,” She booped his nose. “It’s going to be fine. You’re going to be fine.” 

The corners of David’s mouth twitched up. 

“Well, at least Sebastien is one ex you won’t be going after.” 

She swatted his shoulder, unable to contain her laughter. 

“Oh my god, David!”

She stayed sitting with him then, when the crying started, from the quiet gasps to full, shaking sobs. When his breathing started to steady, she pulled out her phone, and five minutes later clapped her hands. 

“Okay, David. You can mope all you want, but you can’t stay inside. It’s Christmas, and this sad bastard thing you have going on is not a cute look. Get dressed, you’re going out.”

“Alexis, I am not leaving this apartment. Do you think I want anyone to see me like this?”

“We’re not going anywhere anyone will see you. Let’s go. I’m calling a car in thirty minutes. Get dressed. _”_

* * *

“Alexis, you said no one would see me here!” David’s voice was high, bordering on hysterical. The black car had dropped them off in the middle of Times Square, in total chaos even on the holiday. 

“I meant no one you care about, David! Look.” She pointed up at the building above them. “No one we know would be caught dead at a movie theater in Times Square.”

He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms, resigned to going along with Alexis’s plan. He was too tired to fight. 

“Okay, fine.”

Inside, Alexis bought two tickets and dragged him to the concession stand. 

“I’m not hungry,” he said. 

“David, you’re such a liar. You haven’t eaten anything in at least the past twelve hours. What do you want.”

“Nothing.”

She rolled her eyes at him, just as the customer ahead of them finished paying.

“Two salted pretzels with cheese dip and an extra large coke slushie,” Alexis said. 

She handed the woman her credit card and turned back to her brother. 

“They’re not those gross Aunt Ally’s ones from the mall you like, but you need to eat.”

“Auntie Annie’s, and how dare you. But thank you, I guess,” he mumbled, looking at the floor. 

David grabbed the food from the counter and Alexis took back her credit card. She marched him over to a door with a big blue number “13” over it. David looked up at the marquee. 

“Are you kidding me? Bridget Jones’s Diary? You’re taking me to see Bridget Jones three days after the worst breakup of my life?”

“It’s a special Christmas screening! Plus, I’m not taking you to see anything. I have to go, remember?”

“What?!” David’s voice was sharp, and his eyes looked like they might pop out of his skull. “You bought a ticket! What the hell do you mean you _have to go_?”

“David, I told you this morning. I have to go! I promised Harry I would be back for Boxing Day. He wants to take me on a carriage ride in the snow, which is like, so sweet.”

“So you’re abandoning me, in the middle of Times Square, on Christmas, sober, after forcing me to leave my apartment, three days after my ex published naked photos of me on the internet?! So you can go on a carriage ride with a _prince_? Are you fucking kidding me, Alexis!?”

“You’ll be fine. Eat your pretzels, and go watch your favorite movie. Plus, just imagine Hugh Grant is a slightly older, British Sebastien and it’ll feel great watching him get punched in the face.”

“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”

“I’m not doing anything to you. Go watch the movie, David. I love you,” she said, booping his nose again. 

“Thanks for nothing.”

“You’re welcome. Have fun!”

“I won’t. This movie is only a good breakup movie if you have literally any hope at all of finding your Darcy. Which I clearly won’t, so,” he huffed, but still turned on his heel and went inside. 

* * *

**David** : thank you

 **Sister** : your welcome

 **David** : *you’re

 **Sister** : you’re what?

 **David** : …nvm

 **Sister** : How was the movie?

 **David** : good

 **David** : fine

 **David** : depressing

 **David** : I’m like Bridget w Cleaver but no chance of a Mark Darcy 

**David** : why am I a masochist who watches romcoms after breakups

 **David** : Seriously, the handsome guy gives her a career break and then comes and saves her birthday! 

**David** : meanwhile my ex published my nudes without fucking permission

 **David** : I hate myself 

**Sister** : sorry David g2g Harry says hi!

April, 2016 

“Uh, I’m here to file my incorporation papers?”

“Oh, that’s right. Patrick!”

A handsome man in blue walked around the corner. 

“B13.”

**Author's Note:**

> I stopped writing the fic to watch Sebastien Raine and then Bridget Jones because of the reference, and it became VERY obvious what parallels Dan was drawing. I couldn’t not weave it in. 
> 
> As literally always, because without the same three people I would be lost: thanks to [ships_to_sail](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ships_to_sail/pseuds/helvetica_upstart) and Aulauem. 
> 
> If you have a fun prompt request, or just wanna say hi, visit me on [Tumblr @ storieswelove](storieswelove.tumblr.com)! (You can also drop prompts in the comments, I'll take them literally anywhere).


End file.
